I closed down Zoom.
My eldest daughter, Emma was in good spirits, as she always seems to be.
We’d chatted away for over 2 hours, but neither of us had really noticed the time…
Or even cared.
What I would give for a hug right now!
Oh, how I miss those hugs.
The distance between us and the current pandemic make that impossible, of course, so we can only part with a, “Love you…”.
In many ways, that doesn’t seem enough…
But it has to do.
And then, as is often the case after ending calls to either of my daughters, my thoughts drift back to years gone by…
To some of the darkest days of my life…
To my separation and divorce…
To two years of acrimony followed by many more trying to maintain and repair my relationships with my daughters.
Why do these thoughts keep coming back?
Why can’t I wipe them from my memory?
I try not to exercise this particular memory muscle, but it just keeps pumping…
Keeps coming back…
Time and time again.
I thought I’d exorcised the ghosts…
Thought I’d dealt with this and got over it.
The same old questions keep coming back.
What could I have done to keep our marriage going?
Should I have been more caring?
More loving?
More patient?
More thoughtful?
More…
The questions keep coming…
Faster and faster…
No answers…
Just questions…
More and more of them!
But then the question to end my mounting anxiety…
The question to end my feelings of self-blame…
“What could she have done?”
Pause.
Breath.
Don’t get me wrong.
This isn’t about putting the blame onto my ex-wife.
Quite the opposite.
None of us was to blame…
Or…
Both of us were to blame.
Either way, it doesn’t matter.
These things happen.
Relationships sometimes come to a natural end…
Even after 19 years!
What if’s won’t change anything.
What if’s won’t bring back what we initially had.
We’ve made our peace and have both moved on to better relationships than we had in the last couple of years of our marriage.
So now, more questions…
Why, oh why, do these particular memories keep coming back to me?
Why won’t they just go away?
Why can’t they leave me be?
And then…
A realisation…
From deep inside, my thoughts gain some clarity…
My thoughts no longer give me pain…
I need these memories.
They’ve taught me some lessons that I mustn’t forget.
I need those lessons…
I need those lessons to develop even more.
So, those lessons are still being taught.
Those lessons will help me build better…
No…
Much better relationships with my new life partner…
And our son.
I don’t need to block these memories…
I mustn’t block them.
They’re a necessary part of my past…
My present…
My future.
Me.
These memory muscles, no matter how much pain they initially bring, need to be flexed on a regular basis.
Exercised.
Cherished.
Let them grow…
And they’ll help me grow.
Peace once more.
Keith Jones
Living a Life of Purpose
21 Days of Transformation: A Journey to Dig Deep into Your Inner Thoughts
If that sounds like a journey you’d like to take with me…
If you feel the need to dig deep and find out things about yourself you never knew existed…
If you need clarity and purpose to be at the forefront of your life…
Let’s take this journey together.